I am a walking contradiction...

My favorite color is black except when it's pink. Except when I really like green. Or red.



My favorite flower is carnations. Except when I like roses. But not all roses. And sometimes I like something entirely different.



I like makeup. I wear it every day. Even to the grocery store. But I wear jeans & flip flops every. And I don't always blow dry my hair. But, I'll wear makeup. Powder, blush, mascara. The whole deal. I mean, it only takes me 3-5 minutes. It's not like I would do for going out, but still. If I don't feel the need to dress nicely day to day, why do I need makeup? I just do. And always will.



I judge easily and rampantly and often harshly. I don't mean to do so, but I do. But I can be very upset when I hear someone else judge others. Or me. Or anything. Unless they agree with me. And then I might feel vindicated. But then I'll feel guilty. It's not a nice trait.I don't really touch or hug. It makes me generally uncomfortable. Except I really love how some friends will hug and kiss my cheek when they see me. And sometimes I'll touch a friends arm several times in a conversation. And sometimes I really like the cheek kissing deal. Other days and some people always, I feel uncomfortable with any of it.



I am also insensitive, blunt, and oblivious.I am extremely open, in general, about many things. But, only when I want to be. For as open as I can be, I can be as equally offended by comments that I myself would make or topics I have at a different time or setting. What I want today may not be what I want tomorrow. What I want now is not what I wanted 5 years ago. And I imagine what I want now is different from what I will want 5 years from now.



Sometimes I question just how stable I am , but then I look around and think maybe I do have it together, I really don't know I think sometimes if people could see the things that went on in my head they would not think I was so stable Then again how do I know that this is not the same for everyone? I don't mean like homicidal things I mean sometimes I day dream about just walking away from my life... Catching a plane to a tropical island and just being there by myself I imagine it would get lonely after a while. People who know my life and my awesome kids I don't know that they could understand me being ready to run, my kids are awesome and I have awesome friends but sometimes (a lot of times) I feel overwhelmed by it all and then some days I feel like I am on top of the world, like I am so lucky...



I don't know who I am... I don't really know what I like, I have lived my life doing what makes others happy to the point that I never found myself. At least if I had just lost myself I would know what to look for, but I never even found myself to lose...This is what I do know...



I love my kids

I love my big brother, his wife (my best friend) and his awesome kids

I love to be around people that make me smile that make me laugh not matter how stupid what we are laughing about is

I love to travel and I am always sad when I have to leave

I have been blessed with so many friends but I let go to easy and back away because I am afraid of getting hurt

I love pictures I want to capture every moment and look back on them

I love love love on a sunny day to crank my music roll down my windows and sing along to my favorite songs with the wind blowing in my hair I feel so free...

I am going to continue to search out what I love and do those things I have to I want to find out who I am and what I love find things that make me happy...