I am a walking contradiction...

My favorite color is black except when it's pink. Except when I really like green. Or red.



My favorite flower is carnations. Except when I like roses. But not all roses. And sometimes I like something entirely different.



I like makeup. I wear it every day. Even to the grocery store. But I wear jeans & flip flops every. And I don't always blow dry my hair. But, I'll wear makeup. Powder, blush, mascara. The whole deal. I mean, it only takes me 3-5 minutes. It's not like I would do for going out, but still. If I don't feel the need to dress nicely day to day, why do I need makeup? I just do. And always will.



I judge easily and rampantly and often harshly. I don't mean to do so, but I do. But I can be very upset when I hear someone else judge others. Or me. Or anything. Unless they agree with me. And then I might feel vindicated. But then I'll feel guilty. It's not a nice trait.I don't really touch or hug. It makes me generally uncomfortable. Except I really love how some friends will hug and kiss my cheek when they see me. And sometimes I'll touch a friends arm several times in a conversation. And sometimes I really like the cheek kissing deal. Other days and some people always, I feel uncomfortable with any of it.



I am also insensitive, blunt, and oblivious.I am extremely open, in general, about many things. But, only when I want to be. For as open as I can be, I can be as equally offended by comments that I myself would make or topics I have at a different time or setting. What I want today may not be what I want tomorrow. What I want now is not what I wanted 5 years ago. And I imagine what I want now is different from what I will want 5 years from now.



Sometimes I question just how stable I am , but then I look around and think maybe I do have it together, I really don't know I think sometimes if people could see the things that went on in my head they would not think I was so stable Then again how do I know that this is not the same for everyone? I don't mean like homicidal things I mean sometimes I day dream about just walking away from my life... Catching a plane to a tropical island and just being there by myself I imagine it would get lonely after a while. People who know my life and my awesome kids I don't know that they could understand me being ready to run, my kids are awesome and I have awesome friends but sometimes (a lot of times) I feel overwhelmed by it all and then some days I feel like I am on top of the world, like I am so lucky...



I don't know who I am... I don't really know what I like, I have lived my life doing what makes others happy to the point that I never found myself. At least if I had just lost myself I would know what to look for, but I never even found myself to lose...This is what I do know...



I love my kids

I love my big brother, his wife (my best friend) and his awesome kids

I love to be around people that make me smile that make me laugh not matter how stupid what we are laughing about is

I love to travel and I am always sad when I have to leave

I have been blessed with so many friends but I let go to easy and back away because I am afraid of getting hurt

I love pictures I want to capture every moment and look back on them

I love love love on a sunny day to crank my music roll down my windows and sing along to my favorite songs with the wind blowing in my hair I feel so free...

I am going to continue to search out what I love and do those things I have to I want to find out who I am and what I love find things that make me happy...

If you love something let it go...

I found these today and I love them...

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with."

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes a smile to make a dark
day seem bright.
Fine the one that makes your heart smile.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Can sappy poems cure depression? I think they are making it worse...

Rodney Rhea - Live every day like it's your last...

Rest in peace dear friend, our hearts are broken but they will one day mend when we meet again until then we love and miss you and think of you often. You brightened our lives and made us smile we don't know why you left us so early but we look forward to one day seeing you again.

I can't take anymore...

Even as I typed that I thought I shouldn't because you almost feel like you are tempting God to see if you can, I know he is not a spiteful God and wouldn't put something on me just because I said I can't take anymore and I truely believe he does not give us more than we can handle. Now I am starting to wonder the definition of "handle", handle without losing your mind or having a mental break down or handle as in that was rough but things are getting better...

I lost a dear friend in an automobile accident, my Aunt was diagnosed with Colon cancer, and now my best friend is in the hospital someone I love more than I can explain is sick and they are not here and I feel so helpless...All of this was just in the month of July so is August going to get better? I missed getting to go meet my new beautiful niece because I went to take care of my Aunt in the hospital and that broke my heart but I needed to be there for her. She was so greatful that I was there and I realized how much I missed her. It sounds strange to say but we had a good time, it was like old times laughing and hanging out, I really miss her. So here is where I am at

1. I want to live in Knoxville so my kids can where they have always known
2. I want to live in Las Vegas because I love it and it is close to family but not too close
3. I want to live in Atlanta so my son can be near his dad and I can be near my Aunt
4. I want to live in Cincinatti so I can be near 2 of my best friends my brother and the best s-i-l ever and my beautiful nieces and nephews...

I feel like I spend my whole life wishing I was some where else, taking care of someone that I love, missing people, I miss so many people and want to be with them...

So what do you do? I can't just decide to be happy I don't have the people I love with me how can I be happy, I don't think I can get them all to move to the same place but Vegas is really awesome they might :) If I move to one place I disapoint others if I stay here I am still disapointed...I don't know the answer and I don't want to continue on like this...

I'm back...

Okay so I'm back...I havne't been blogging and so much has been going on but not really the stuff you blog about, you know? But yesterday I was feeling so overwhelmed I really describe how I felt at that moment but I can say that I questioned wether I even wanted to go on... I have so many people that I love and that love me and it is so hard... I want to be in so many places and be there for so many people and I feel like I let them down so much by missing important events and milestones and I hate it I want to be there for all these diffrent people and it's not physically possible. Even as I write this I know it sounds crazy but I can't change how I feel I always feel like I should be doing more and I travel so much already and participate in so much I don't know what the answer is but something told me to start blogging again get it all out and maybe that will help, so we will see I guess...